“Good evening, folks, and welcome to Commonwealth News, sharing everything you need to know in the People’s Republic of America. We start this evening’s Newstream with word of a series of violent conflicts in small towns along the border with the Democratic States of America. We join our international correspondent, Amina Khalif, in the DSA city of El Paso. Amina, what can you tell us about what you’re seeing? What is the mood of the people in El Paso?”
“Thank you, Bryan. Protesters have rolled oil barrels out onto the streets where they are burning PRA flags and photographs of the DSA president who has agreed to extradite a prisoner back to the People’s Rebublic of America.”
“Why do they care? The DSA loves to deport people. Why not send this prisoner back to his home country?”
“As you know, Bryan, we’re only weeks away from this year’s Big Money Hunt and this prisoner is the third wealthiest man in our country and a strong candidate to fail, benefiting social programs across the Motherland. If he stays here, all of that money will be off the table, but the people here don’t want to see him sent home to a certain death just because he’s a billionaire. That’s considered a protected class here in the DSA.”
“Then why is Kid Rock, the president of the DSA, so out of tune with his voters?”
“Because the prisoner in question – billionaire Petron Thusk – reportedly had an illicit relationship with his wife.”
“Back here in the PRA, the plot thickens. Will Thusk be extradited in time for this year’s Big Money Hunt? And, if so, which hunters will be selected from The Wronged to bring this year’s Big Ten to justice? Let’s find out from our sports correspondent, Julian Brown.”
“Thank you, Bryan. Well, if hedge fund manager and moral degenerate Petron Thusk can’t make it out to Catalina Island this year, we still have ten solid candidates to round out this year’s Big Ten. Currently the most financially obese person in this country is Irving Huang, with an estimated 480 billion in tech stock and real estate holdings. Offered the choice between paying a sixty percent income tax on capital gains and being hunted to death for forty-eight hours by The Wronged, he chose the latter. For the principle, he said. But he was a supreme narcissist, like many of his financial bulk, and fancied himself to have good enough athletic prowess and cunning to outlast The Wronged.”
“What do you think, Julian?”
“Well, he’ll have his work cut out for him this year since the hunters were selected as the best with firearms among a number of families who were evicted from his properties when the rent doubled. But, on the other hand, while they’ve been shooting at soup cans, he’s been training in state of the art facilities, being coached by former Olympians who, when I’ve asked them privately, say they’re impressed.”
“And the bookies say?”
“Four to one against.”
