Celebrity Crush

“I don’t understand the logic behind the protocol,” Ozric protested. “Our priority is to keep the operation top secret, yet we keep using host subjects who are celebrities, often with disastrous results. Have you forgotten what happened with that legball star, O.J. Simpson?”

“It’s called football and there was no way we could have predicted the effect that the cocaine in the host subject’s body would have on the driver,” Elric explained.

“What about what happened with Bill Cosby?”

“Again, it was driver error. The host body stopped responding to instructions once its sex drive was activated. The incidents you describe were the reason we developed the new training regimen. The one you went through. You have been field tested for drug resilience, emotional resilience and sanity resilience. You’re one of our best drivers.” He looked Ozric in the eye. “You tell me why we use celebrities. I’ve gone over it repeatedly during training. I’d like to think you listened at least once.” Ozric sighed before responding.

“We use celebrities because they have enormous financial and material resources. In addition to that, behavior that would seem eccentric or erratic in most people is generally overlooked in their case. This, of course, helps to preserve the clandestine nature of our operation. But people wouldn’t understand what we were doing even if we told them. What would it mean to a person bound to the illusion of linear time if we told them that we have to send our consciousness back through time into a host body in order to experience the natural world? And what about the host subjects? Even the ones who don’t end up committing atrocities suffer tremendous loss. Loss of consciousness. Periods of lost time. A sense of disconnection from the world around them.”

“Celebrity itself causes the disconnection,” Elric said calmly, “We simply take advantage of the condition they find themselves in. They’re already disconnected from the world they live in. We plug our consciousness in so that we can have the exposure to the natural world that we need to survive.” Ozric shot him a reproachful look. “We don’t just take. We also give. What about the tremendous insights that we have given over the years to shamans, artists, musicians and scientists? I notice you haven’t brought up Leonardo da Vinci, Nikola Tesla or Philip K. Dick. In fact, you’ve never complained before. Are you having reservations about the program in general or this particular assignment?” Ozric looked down sheepishly.

“What do you mean?”

“I noticed that you seemed particularly enraptured while doing the research on this particular host subject.”

“Julia Louis Dreyfus is beautiful, intelligent and hilarious,” Ozric gushed, “Why would we want to put such a tremendous resource at risk? It’s unconscionable.”

“Fine,” Elric said, “but you’re going to regret it. I have a new host subject for you, but the training will require you to watch every movie that Jenny McCarthy has ever made.”