The Straight and Narrow

“Welcome back to ‘The Straight and Narrow,’ the radio show for right-thinking people – like you, my friend. I’m Toby Strait…”

“…and I’m Narrow Williams…”

“…and for the next two hours you’re going to hear nothing but ‘The Straight and Narrow.’ On yesterday’s show we talked with Senator Ledbetter, who is proposing legislation that would eliminate the three-day waiting period and background checks for ‘Natural Americans,’ and create more restrictions for immigrants. That sounds like good common sense to right-thinking people like you and me. Some people have been duped by the freedom-hating left into thinking that it’s a bad idea to make sure that weapons in this country get into the hands of the right people. Who is our first caller, Narrow?”

“On line one we have Fellah Chia Martinez and he says, for the first time in his life, he agrees with the senator.”

“Fellah Chia,” Toby said, “I’m glad you called to tell us why it’s a bad idea to keep weapons out of the hands of your people. I mean, I guess it takes an immigrant to know an immigrant, am I right?”

“First of all, my name is Felicio.”

“Okay, Flea-sio,” Narrow interjected, “tell us what happens when weapons get in immigrants’ hands.”

“I have seen immigrants do a great deal of damage to my homeland,” Felicio said gravely. “Because they had weapons, there was little that we could do. They killed men, women and children. Before we knew it, the people we had welcomed to our land had taken over. The immigrants outnumbered us and destroyed not only our people, but our culture.”

“Exactly!” Toby said. “That’s what most white people don’t realize. That we’re giving immigrants the very tools to wipe us Natural Americans out. Laws, like the one proposed by Senator Ledbetter, can help restore the balance.”

“White people?” Felicio asked, puzzled. “When the senator is talking about Natural Americans, he’s talking about white people?”

“Of course. White people brought laws and religion and art and culture to this country. Their access to weapons should be unrestricted because they need them for self-defense,” Toby preached, “and to defend the American way of life.”

“The immigrants I was talking about,” Felicio said, “were white people. My people traveled back and forth across our land for seven thousand years before they arrived and wiped most of us out with their weapons and disease.”

“So’s you’re talking about what the Spanish did down there in Messico, right?”

“No. My ancestors were from right here in Fresno and if we had a law back then that kept weapons out of the hands of immigrants, then things would be very different now. The water wouldn’t be polluted and the climate wouldn’t be changing. They called us ignorant savages and gave us glass beads, but they are the ones who have savaged the environment we all live in just so they could get more of the shiny yellow stones that they craved. We should have shot your asses.”