“Where the fuck are we?”
“Where are we? That’s what you’re concerned about? Where are our clothes? That’s what I’m concerned about. Not to mention wallet, money, cell phone, keys… We’re stark naked in the middle of a fucking swamp, that’s where we are.”
“But, how did we get here?”
“How did we get here, he asks. How indeed? Was it me who said ‘Oh, let’s go down and see what Bob’s working on in the basement?’ Was it me who said, ‘Naw, the Do Not Disturb sign is for other people, not us?’ Was it me who said, ‘Oh, cool, look at the blue 3-D swirling light. It’s so trippy. Let’s walk through it?’”
“Well, no, but the only reason I wanted to walk through the light was to get to Bob. He had obviously gotten some more of that really good acid from the government lab he works for and was holding out on his roommates. Why else would he have that intensely psychedelic light show? That still doesn’t explain how we ended up… wherever we are.”
“What’s the nearest swamp to Washington, DC?”
“Some say…”
“Don’t say it. I’m warning you…”
“What was that? I heard someone running over there” They both turned in the direction he pointed. Something ran out of the ferns and stopped short a few feet in front of them.
“That is the ugliest goddamned dog I have ever seen.”
“Don’t be so insensitive. It obviously has some kind of birth defect or something. I didn’t know dogs could get Down’s syndrome, but looking at this poor guy… “ It’s snout was turned downward, almost like a beak. It’s canines stuck straight out like two little tooth-sized tusks.
“That’s probably why it’s stuck out here in the swamp. It’s so damned ugly, who’d want to have a dog like that? They probably put him in a sack when he was a puppy and threw him in this swamp, but his ugly-ass teeth cut a hole in the sack. Look at it’s paws? Those almost look like little fingers with dog claws. And that lame little tail. And that face. It’s like if the Phantom of the Opera was a dog.”
“Why do you have to be such a fucking dick? You’d think that being starving and naked might even make almighty-you humble, but no. I can’t believe you’re talking about the only creature that has shown any concern for us that way. Have some fucking gratitude. This dog might not fit your exacting aesthetic standards, but the little guy is pudgy. If we follow him, he’ll lead us to food.”
“Yeah? Then I’m starting to warm up to him. Come here, boy. I’m gonna call you MT.” He reached out his hand slowly and petted the sparse fur that coated the animal’s head. It’s eyes rolled up and closed and it started to make a sound like a duck quacking.
“What’s MT stand for?”
“Like you said, this ugly mutt is our meal ticket.”
Literature in Small Doses 